I’ve had a teensy WEENSY bit of baby fever lately.
I’ve been patiently waiting for it to go away. I’ve been telling myself that I won’t be able to sleep for the next 18 years. And that we can’t afford a baby right now. That we love the freedom we have. That Harlow isn’t ready for a brother or sister. All of which are very much true. But still my uterus insists on whispering, “procreate, procreate!” I blame it mostly on a certain little lady who I have been babysitting lately. Be still my ovaries. She is, without a doubt, the sweetest one-year-old in the history of the world.
So just for shits and giggles, I thought I’d morph Mike and I’s pictures together on this site to see what are babies would look like. Hey parents out there– were you ever afraid you’d have an ugly baby? Or even worse, were you afraid you would have an ugly baby but it was your own baby so you thought it was beautiful but meanwhile everyone was talking behind your back about how ugly your baby was? That last sentence alone was proof that I am not ready to have a child. I mean, Mike was an ADORABLE baby, and I was pretty cute too, but to think of our features meshed together into a single spawn is a little terrifying to me.
Anyhoo, I ran it through the thinger and this is what our little Miss Malone would supposedly look like:
Not bad, right? Despite a freaklishly large forehead she’s pretty cute, actually. Alas, pride comes before a fall. After fist pumping my victory, I got cocky and thought I’d take a couple of different pics of Mike and I and see if we got the same result. Big, BIG mistake.
Here’s the result I got with Miss Malone part deux:
WHISKEY. TANGO. FOXTROT.
Why does my child look like a Russian Babushka??? And look at that gerber daisy they throw into the shot. It mocks me. Like, “oh hey, you and your husbands genes suck but you won’t be able to notice as much if we throw a bright colored plant to detract from her actual features.”
Suddenly the fever is gone. Please pass the wine. And the condoms.